A Gift and a Curse
I admired my equanimity. I pitied the panicky. I wasn’t like THAT.
But all the time I was admiring my own cool headedness, I was probably killing off parts of myself.
Years ago, my boss told me that she thought I was depressed. Though I had experienced depression before, what I felt at the time was not sadness, but disinterest or … numbness. Nevertheless, because she said it was affecting my work, I dutifully got a prescription for medication that did nothing for me.
About two months after this conversation, I woke up and my little finger on my right hand was numb. It still is, and many other parts of my body besides. It took three more years to be diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. My question is: Did I talk myself into something by almost casually suppressing any uncomfortable thought until the thought became the material reality?
Was I numb because I told myself I was.?
Any psychologist will tell you that stuffing down your feelings is unhealthy. And there is enough literature on the placebo effect and the law of attraction to hypothesize that the quality of your thoughts influences the quality of your life.
As Bruce H. Lipton writes in The Biology Of Belief: Unleashing The Power Of Consciousness, Matter And Miracles: “Our beliefs control our bodies, our minds, and thus our lives…”
I am a natural stoic from a family of stoics from a culture of stoics. Being adept at seeming calm, even when you feel anything but, is a useful skill for Black people. I am a master of this. And, apparently, a victim of my own expertise. It’s a gift and a curse.
Still learning to live with the contradiction.
The Mystic Swims 
I appreciate stoicism for the tools it provides to walk the middle way. It felt to me though like an insurance policy against the harmful events and feelings that inevitably meet us on the road. Being willing to feel is being willing to be fully alive. I appreciate your deep dive to catch this awareness. It makes me feel good about the never-ending process of learning and growing. No matter how old we get or what we’ve been through, we can continue to invite Truth in. Thank you for thinking and feeling, Phyllis!